2weeks. 2days. 2 long without you

Paul
how is it possible that I will never see you again or be held lovingly in your strong arms?
I am glad that you went quickly and didn't suffer but I will always wish that I didn't have to face life without you.

I am trying to be strong. To stand on my own. To remember how precious and sweet our love and life was.  But nothing and no one can take away the emptiness of my soul without you to smile at me or make me laugh at something silly and inconsequential.  But it is those moments that I miss the most. The moments that were just between us. Silliness that only we understood. You changed my life with your live and taught me to enjoy life each day. How do I do that without you?

I am going on each day but I don't want to. I am creating a home without you but I don't want to. I am loving our cat babies who still look for you when the door opens and who want more attention that I can give to them. Cookie and I exchange knowing glances. I think she understands because she wants me to pet her and hold her and we both know that I am a substitute for you. I'm not the one she wants and I understand that. We both want the same person. You.  And you are not here.

our family and friends have lovingly listened to me cry and talk and struggle and I am blessed they are here but I'd rather it was you that I was calling. You I I talked to each day.

Today I felt your hand on mine in church and I never wanted it to end. I walked by the tree where your ashes were scattered and I felt peace at knowing you are where you were at peace. But I was angry that you went away.  Angry that you didn't go to the doctor and try.  Try to stay here with me.

I know grieving is a long process. My life has been filled with grief and I know too much about it. But I had you to make me reach outside the pain and find joy.  the 17 years we were together were the happiest I've known. Yes we had problems but through all of that I loved you and I knew you loved me.


My life without you feels like a farce.  Like a way to pass time. It's hard to find hope for a future without you in it. I love you.  YGG. Deb